The sound of my heartbeat was nowhere to be heard

Last night there was a monster in my bed, a monster in my head and I slept. It was scaring me over and over again, rejecting me, breaking me and haunting me, it and its little demons.

And do you want to know who that monster was?
It was you.

You were the horrifying menace that made me shed to the core. Your family rejected me and you didn’t care. I did everything just to get on your good side, everything just to get to you, but no, you just, didn’t, care. And it was awful, it was painful, it made my muscles raggedly contract and left a disgusting taste in my mouth with a feeling that it was my entire fault. Every time I tried to fix the plot it just got worse and made my stomach twist in directions that are not allowed in traffic.

At the end of it all, when your family felt sorry enough to leave me alone, I came to you to say goodbye because I finally got the valid reason and confirmation that something called ‘you and I’ will never exist.


“Happy holidays.”, I kissed you on the cheek over that stupid string that was tied around your face from the ornament, silently admiring your goofy face as the glass city in me started shattering, chunks of it piercing the flesh of my insides.


“You’re actually a really good person.”, you spoke coldly and nonchalantly looking over my shoulder at your family settling themselves down at the table, like you still didn’t care yet made it sound so sincere, and vaguely pulled me into a hug, letting your arms rest around me with no hint of a tighter hold, just a normal hug.


“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me.”, I silently said as I returned the hug, hiding my face from the walls of your house behind your shoulder, feeling like I don’t belong there.


Those words healed all of my wounds from that day. They made me feel warm inside, like hot steam had spread all over my body starting from the clenched pit of my stomach ups to my arms. All of the blows have been softened and all the falls have been cushioned, but the ruins stayed. As I was letting go of your figure looking down, the city didn’t rebuilt itself. The crystal dust just settled as the mist evaporated leaving a sight of a soon to be forgotten city. It got silent and everything stopped, even the sound of my heartbeat was nowhere to be heard. Walking away, back turned to all of the light that came from your house I felt fulfilled because I finally got the closure, not the one I wanted, but the one I needed.


No more cities for me.

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